It's funny because a few days ago I gave up fighting.
I just started nodding and biting my tongue mostly.
Going ok sure, even when my awareness is glaring in the destruction of possibility these choices create.....
I thought I was looking for ease.
I bought that maybe if I just hush up a bit those that are using judgment to impel destruction at my future may get bored and move on for a while.....
I started to wonder if I will ever be able to just be me without having to defend or fight....
This sound clip just exploded everything for me
"Your whole life you have been giving in to others that need more than you do..." - Gary Douglas
Tears burst when I heard this... and he goes on... and my world changed....
Now I am asking where did I give up? Give in?
What is possible for me if I acknowledge this capacity and STOP judging myself for it?
What is possible for the warriors of a new reality?
What is possible for the world if we, the ones willing to fight, stop fighting ourselves and start destroying limited reality?
I am not stopping until I find out....
He is aware that he is very DIFFERENT
He is aware of judgement and that a lot of people don't get him.
He is aware of the insanity that people function from.
He is aware of something greater possible.
He talks to me about the kind of school he would like to go to where he has choice and where he can create and BE him!
He talks to me about consciousness and what the word would be like if people would wake up and choose it.
He talks to me about how at school he has to follow someone else's point of view of when he can eat, when he can go to the bathroom, when he can move around. This doesn't make sense to him.
"Why cant I just ask my body?" he says to me
He talks about needing to take his shoes home with him at the end of the day because they don't want to be left behind. The rules say he can't and the teacher looks at him as tho he is making such a big deal about nothing. What if it WAS something?
He talks to me about such glorious awarenesses my mind is often blown and new possibilities open for me. Yet he is "just a child" in many people's eyes.
He is often sorting through what people so fiercely project at him as true and what HE knows.
Sometimes in these moments I see the fight, where the insanity of others' realities are louder than his sweet gentle one. He has to fight just to get a sense of himself. Of his joy.
I am SO thankful I have these tools to offer both of my kids as they navigate this world but I cant help but wonder what would the world be like if these extremely aware (sensitive, curious, different) people didn't have to fight just to be here?
Xander tells me of the sadness of the kids in his school and how much he wants to save the day.
How I wish I could save the day for him.
I am aware that this is not good enough
I am aware of future possibilities so far beyond what we currently have. And I have requested them to show up. And I have demanded of me to show up to actualize these possibilities.
Whatever it takes I am creating a future where X-Men don't have to fight just to BE.
And I cant do it alone.
Today, I am choosing something very different. What if I got bigger than the intensity, empowered myself with it, and even turned that energy into creating something phenomenal, outrageous and spectacular?! What would be possible then?
How much of this intensity is actually me?
And what if it wasn’t intensity at all…..
What if this is a new space of potency I am stepping into? This quote stumbled across my path today. “Potency is a certainty of being” Dr Dain Heer. YES! This is an energy I have not allowed in my world for so long, I have resisted it in multiple ways and if I was truly being vulnerable here, I would tell you it scares me. That this level of potency and certainty doesn't even make cognitive sense to me yet it resonates with every molecule of my being right now. It also activates every single alarm I have set, telling me that everyone I love will leave me if I be this. That I will destroy myself.
In keeping with this vulnerability, I honestly don’t know what is going to happen or how all of this will show up. I may lose everything if I don’t back down, if I don’t crumble. I may lose it all.
And I may gain everything I have been asking for.
I have been asking for a lot recently, possibly more than I ever have before and with that ask there has been a growing demand to BE the energy it takes to have it. Did you know that you cannot have something if you are unwilling to BE the energy of? The universe just cannot gift it to you no matter how much it desires to. This energy of potency, this certainty of being is different than I imagined it would be and the more I expand and allow it, the space around me seems to be changing. Molecules rearranging. As I drop more layers of barriers, the more the tears flow, and the greater the space and ease my body has.
Staying present and not backing down is the greatest tool I have right now.
And it is working…
This space of being is actually quite beautiful and wondrous… The more I stay present and curious the more it changes. The energy is colourful, moving and yes so potent.
I love the Access Consciousness question: what energy, space, and consciousness can me and my body be to have total ease with all of this?
And the space changes again. More ease, more joy, more glory.
The intensity has become such a different energy for me. It is actually quite lovely and interesting. What would it be like to be so present and vulnerable that anything could change this quickly and with such ease? What if ease was ok? What if being vulnerable was actually a gift?
I hope this post gifts to you in some way.
The next time you are feeling intense what would happen if you asked the question "is this intensity or potency?" and then get really aggressively present.
Stay In The Curiosity,
Most of all I would have to say that this class was the beginning of truly knowing me. Tears are welling as I write this, acknowledging the incredible gift it was as well as the courage and tenacity it took for me to get there. Somehow tho, I knew I had to be there but what I received was so far beyond what I could have ever dreamed or imagined and believe me I used to have some pretty awesome dreams.
I sat in the front row and took everything in as tho it would be the only class I would ever have. The beauty and magic that showed in that class has no words I know to express it.
Nothing in my life has been the same since that weekend, I have never been the same, and I have never been happier and with such a sense of possibility and gratitude for living.
For what reason am I sharing this story? Dr Dain Heer is returning to Vancouver for another ESB in April and after a lot of questions and courage I have chosen to go and bring my two little boys to their first big class. I have many reasons and justifications to NOT go. I even did this cute thing where I separated myself from the energy of it, so that I wouldn't perceive it for a while. Yet, when I tap into the energy and what it will create, when I ask what will my life be like in 25 years if I go, I cannot deny this for a second.
The more I create my life the clearer this all is. You see I have multiple futures and this energy out there that I have created with the universe. It is unmistakable to me now the choices and creations that match the future I am asking for. If I follow it, beyond what makes sense or what this reality tells me, then I know more possibilities will show up, even greater than what already has. Everyday I perceive this energy of my life, this magnificent creation, and with each choice that resonates with that vibration I HAVE more of me and my future becomes greater.
Perhaps none of this makes any sense and if that is true I thank you kindly for reading this far. But maybe, just maybe, you know somewhere what I am talking about. Perhaps there is a pull or lightness from these words and if so then I encourage you to create your life, to follow the inconceivable choices that match that energy for you because wouldn't it be nice to truly create your living and have a sense of you? Who you really are? And to finally have the things that create uncontrollable joy and happiness for you?
What would that be like?
In Gratitude For The Curious Seekers,
“The beauty of the Energetic Synthesis of Being means, you get all of you, you get all of everything you can be and have been and haven't been willing to be that you know you are”
~Dr Dain Heer, ESB 2014
My day was filled with ease, joy and glory: parking spots everywhere I went, discount at the kids place I brought Zak to, front row seat with the best view of Xander at his music concert, I even created a Bars® exchange for Sunday at 2am this morning! These are all lovely creations, and truly I am grateful for all of them yet there is a sense of…dissatisfaction.
(*Quickly my attention goes to the google hangout Dr. Dain Heer did called ‘The Potency of the Dissatisfied Dreamer’. If you haven't watched I highly recommend it!)
While I sit here writing, as I do in times like these, I am wondering if all this seems too small what possibility am I aware of that matches the enormous energy of living and being that I have been asking for that I have not yet chosen?
As I ask this question my space begins to fills with an energy; potent and demanding. I continue asking again and again. The energy is now palpable and wonderfully vivacious.
It moves and expands lighting me up as it dances along.
What is now possible to create that I have never allowed or dared to create before?
My wtf has turned to gentle laughter and whimsical smiles. I cannot yet put to words what I have created today. I don't even have a cognitive awareness of what it exactly is but I know it's bigger than a parking spot and will mostly likely ripple a stunning change in my curious universe. How does it get any better than that?
Go HERE for Dr Dain Heer’s amazing Google Hangout
What is dating exactly? For me it is interacting with multiple playmates without commitment or expectation. It is easy, fun, and I always learn something.
One of the things I find terribly enjoyable is meeting new people and playing with sexual energies. “What would be fun to do or be with this person? What intense pleasure could me and my body receive from them? What dynamic gift could I be for them? What words, actions, or energy will entice more play and more receiving?”
YES receiving. When I am in a space of flirtation and play I find that I begin to receive more from that person. The barriers lower and the energy sways between us creating an exciting and unpredictable dance.
Have you noticed a difference in receiving at the beginning, middle, and end of a relationship? Have you noticed a difference in gratitude and generosity?
I do love that first kiss, that rush of blood to my lips and the tingling in all the sweet places. In the beginning I like to explore my playmate’s body and universe. As I seduce them into a state of vulnerability and receiving, I freely adore and nurture their very being and every part of their body.
During the “still getting to know you part” I notice this creative energy, this rhythmic question that seems to ripple like waves through the people at play “what else is possible?” There is wonderment and exploration and it is beautiful and delighting.
Then after some unexpected turn this question gets answered: “This is all that is possible”. Then all creation and wonderment die. Perhaps a bit dramatic… and perhaps not.
This is what I have witnessed and experienced so far as relationship with only a few anomalies that seem to go beyond this. These relationship anomalies do not even seem to show up the way a relationship is supposed to. In fact I am not even sure I would even call them relationships, they seem to be something quite different.
Would I be willing to have a relationship anomaly? Woah... I wonder?
The allure of dating is quite great for me and has these elements of excitement and instability and yet, if I was truly being vulnerable and honest with myself is there a desire here for something different than dating? Something inconceivable? Something I gave up on a long time ago…
Is it actually possible to create with someone in a way that exponentializes everything I am asking for and creating? A relationship without need, expectations or significance, what would that even be like?
Have you ever been adored? Like truly adored without any judgment present?
I have looked into my lovers eyes and received such adoration that I have melted into them, losing all separation, swimming in the bliss of it all. With these rare people I have enjoyed increasingly phenomenal sex, conversation, and yes even creation. And as we part ways I sometimes wonder… what else could have been created if I had been willing?
So here I am without an answer, without a conclusion, but with a clearer sense of me and a new nagging question: what am I aware of that is truly possible with all this that I have defined as unreal, unbelievable and inconceivable?
What if dating or relationship is a question best left unanswered for me? Perhaps instead, I will play in the awareness the question gave me and wonder… what anomaly am I now capable of creating?
If you follow Access Consciousness™ at all, at some point you will hear about this concept ‘Creating your life’ . It is where you stop allowing the limiting views around you to tell you who you are, what is possible for you, and what you must do or be to be in order to survive in this reality. You begin to function as the source for all that you call living and creation. It is where you invite the entire universe to create with you, the inconceivable possibilities you are truly aware of.
This is one of those changes I have been asking for and ping-ponging quite dynamically with.
So I asked another question “Hey! What is it going to take to change this?!”
What I got was commit. What if i committed a whole year, 365 days, to creating my life? To creating my whole reality of living! What would that be like? What this means to me is everyday I will demand to create something, an adventure at the beach, a blog, a delicious meal, ANYTHING that matches the energy I am asking to have as my reality.
My reality is a symphony of possibilities inconceivable to this reality, dazzled with unbridled joy, unimaginable ease, and ever expanding consciousness.
Today is day 1
I am choosing question, maybe even creation by the time I finish writing….
Not questions such as “what did I do wrong?” or “how can I make damn sure this isn't going to happen again?” more like “What else is possible?!” and “what’s right about this
I am not getting?”
Ahhhhh, I am more expanded already.
What if the magic is NOT in figuring out the “mistakes” or who is wrong, what if the magic is when you are willing to lower your barriers and step into the space of awareness and perceiving of the infinite possibilities? Yes even right in the middle of tears or swearing your face off or even both at the same time.
What if today was the start of something far greater than I ever imagined possible?
There is nothing wrong with indulging, with allowing the emotions to take you on a ride but when you are done with that, when the ride is no longer fun, what questions can you ask? What space can you occupy? What possibilities are whispering to you?
As I end this I notice how much this is bringing up for me and how much I can now clear out from the dusty old attic of held pains and fears.
As I end this I am grateful to have Access Consciousness tools to create ease and assist me to perceive the possibilities beyond this.
As I end this I am reminded of how much I love writing and I have noticed that I have gotten a little rusty ;)
As I end this with deep peaceful breathes I ask one more question before I lay my head on my pillow. This question Dr Dain Heer gave me last year.
"What energy space and consciousness can I be, to be truly grateful and totally grateful for me for all eternity?"
This one I may require to repeat a few times....